Claire’s Winter Retreat Experience

Warning: This will make you LOL… and it contains some adult themes and coarse language.

Thank you Leah and the team, for teaching me that I could freeze my tits off… and find my inner peace.

So this ‘extreme cold exposure” retreat was a very spur of the moment thing - it sounded awful and like something that would be really…cold. I hate the cold. [THIS IS WHY I LEFT LONDON!] I hate being even a tiny bit cold. I’ll throw a tantrum if I feel an unseasonal breeze in Spring.

However, those that know me know my lifelong commitment to #thethirdinvitation. And two weeks ago Tommy Kerr walked into my lounge room and sparked a conversation about these retreats in the snowy mountains... and it happened to be my third invitation. And well, I had to say yes. It wasn’t the easiest yes… [Did I mention I hate the cold?] but 2020 was a long, fairly exhausting year. And frankly, I’d climb Everest in my undies if it meant I could sauna with interesting strangers, and talk about my feelings for a few days. So I signed up. [i’d normally say “#YOLO” here, but apparently it’s “very 2014” now. Which I guess is the moment in time that we can pinpoint my ‘cool’ evolution grinding to a startling halt in preparation, I presume, for me coasting into a particularly uneventful “Saturn Returns” Sorry, I digress.] 

So being child-free for the first time in about a year and a half, and feeling ripped off about my lack of a spicy “Saturn Returns”, I decided to make the very sensible and adulting decision of micro-dosing mushrooms on the car journey there. Because NOTHING says “Thredbo Adventure” like being slightly high and covered in fluro ski apparel. Needless to say, I got the dosage wrong [because rookie] and ended up losing about four hours in a timewarp on the drive [happy to report, I was chief navigator, not driver]. So it happened that I rolled into the retreat fully lit, and very late. The obnoxious teen inside me giggled, while the adult on the outside was absolutely mortified. 

On arrival, everyone was already lying down on yoga mats preparing for “breathwork”, a wave of panic came over me. Because while I’m ALL about the oversharing and the crying at the strangers, “breathwork” has always sounded a bit boring to me, and I’ve been actively avoiding getting roped into it for years. I’d already chucked it in the basket of “Stuff That Other People With Calm Breathy Voices Do” alongside “Meditation” and “A Raw Food Diet”. Not for me. I’m far too busy having noisy opinions and eating cake. 

So as everyone else on the retreat looked very keen and well prepared, I was internally berating myself for not even bothering to google “Wim Hof Method”. We are told to start breathing [Oh, can do!], counting, timing, holding. There are singing bowls happening, and a low rhythmic drum beat coming from somewhere [Oh God. Help me. Am I still high?]. I start wondering how much heavy breathing I have to pretend to do, before I can finally start crying and talking about myself. Thankfully I’d just reapplied some fluro orange lipstick. So at least my look was on point. Even if my brain was somewhat poached. 

Leah, the facilitator, is talking to us. Leah is a pocket rocket, who spends the winter voluntarily camping in the snow. Leah is a Wim Hof trained, extreme cold aficionado, and bloody loves a chest freezer. Leah explains to us that after this evening of breathwork, we’re going to go out into the snow as a group, and jump into a freezing cold lake, while [presumably] using only our minds to stop ourselves from dying a cold and lonely death?! Leah is probably insane, I decide. 

I’m still pondering this later as I’m stripping down into my undies in the dark with strangers, and stepping into an icy black hole. [Goddamn “Third Invitation”, now look what you’ve gone and done.]  My entire body feels like it’s been set on fire. The shock of pain catches my breath and I look around in pure panic - what the hell are we all doing?! Leah calmly and gently instructs us. “Breathe. Focus. Your body knows what to do.” [DOES IT THO.] What fresh hell did I sign myself up to? Why is she so fucking calm? Am I dying? This feels like labour all over again, except I don’t even get a baby at the end of it! “I CAN DO HARD THINGS”, I tell myself. Again and again. [Like if I say it enough, I might actually believe it.] While letting out long deep breaths in an attempt to not pass out. After the longest two minutes of my life, Leah tells us all to get out. And that’s when something happened. Blood is rushing and tingling all over my body. My brain is suddenly SO HAPPY. I feel like I’ve climbed a mountain. Or won something. Holy shit, I REALLY CAN DO HARD THINGS. Everyone is standing there, wet, bright red, and on a high! My body feels so alive! I feel parts of myself recalibrating. Organs pumping. My thighs feel amazing. I love my body! Is it really THIS simple to feel THIS good about myself? I felt fat and angry three minutes ago. That crazy bastard Wim Hof might actually be onto something. 

For four days we did this. Four days, multiple times a day - extreme cold exposure, balanced with warm, grounding breathwork. We climbed a mountain, in a blizzard, in our undies. And no one panics. No one's teeth chatter. We had snow falling on our naked skin while crawling along a frozen mountain side, and we felt warm inside. We were smiling. And singing! And calm. Who ARE we now? What is happening? Why aren’t we dying?

Because somewhere deep inside all of us, a fire was lit. And we got the tools to stoke it, every minute, every day, with just our breath. We got taught how to trust ourselves again, and trust our bodies. And Leah, with her strong, balanced, and beautiful way, just peacefully guided us to places within ourselves that had long been forgotten. Places of wisdom, focus, creativity and strength. Places of understanding and forgiveness- that these bodies we inhabit right now are really just mouldable vessels, encasing magical spirits, and multiple stories. Stories of successes and failures, and trauma and triumphs. And if we are just brave enough to step in, we can find beauty, and profound healing. We can release so much pain. 

I was gifted tools for a lifetime last weekend. And it’s not even that hard. Literally ANYONE can do it! It’s.just.breathing. I cannot believe it has taken me until my thirties to work out this happiness hack. Turns out, we can chose how we approach life, how we think, and how we feel. How we let the storms affect us, and how we ride the wild seas. What filter I put on the picture, and how I selfie myself. 

Thank you Leah and the team, for teaching me that I could freeze my tits off… and find my inner peace.

x Claire Alexander-Johnston
@jetsetmama